I miss you so much

I know I should be writing about more important things like the recent downfall of DOMA (yay) or acknowledge an injustice that’s still left out there in the world, but all I can really think about right now is how much I miss you. No matter how much I try to forget about you and the idea of “us,” I’m only drawn closer to this empty hole you left in my heart. That hole was made so much more apparent when I dropped you off at the airport with your brother nearly two weeks ago. I want so badly to just pick up the phone and tell you how much I miss you/how much I love you, but I know any expression of such heartbreak would only be met by your silence. So, it is better for us if I don’t say anything…or feel anything, but the latter will take some time for me to achieve.

I know our medical boards are in less than a month, so maybe we’re better off alone. But since I can’t tell you everything that’s inside my heart right now, all I can do to get a sense of relief is to write it here in this blog that nobody reads. But even in this seemingly isolated spot on the web, I’m giving myself at least just a little hope. And the hope is that maybe you will think of me even for a passing moment when there is nothing else for you to think about and visit me here.

Maybe you will read this. And maybe, I’ll finally get to tell you how much I love you again and again. I love you so much. And if it wasn’t for the hurt I would cause everyone who care about me, I probably wouldn’t know how to stay alive on my own. Because the thing is, for now, I’m not alone even if you’re not here. Even if I have to go through every day feeling so insecured and invisible….feeling that maybe I’ll be alone forever.

I don’t know when that breaking point for me will be. But it’s just one of those things I know will happen when all hope runs out. But hope is still alive in my parents, brothers, and friends who care. And I can only hope that it will stay until there is no one left to live for…and then, I can finally go.

“…and i know some day it’ll all turn out..”

reality isn’t such a bad place. #moment of clarity

“wherever you are, whenever it’s right.. you’ll come out of nowhere and into my life…I just haven’t met you yet.”

http://youtu.be/DPtwR4CveC8

“When life gives you lemons…

you say, ‘fuck the lemons.'”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8Xg1vVkIh8&feature=share&list=PL0AE13218BCCF033D

“Some days feel like shit…

some days I wanna quit…and be normal for a bit.”

I’ve been seeing a therapist for about two years now. Two years of thousand of dollars spent on my mental health… two years of trying to make myself better.. two years of undoing all this hardwiring… two years of growth, of determination, and of hope. And maybe I can’t see it because I stare at myself every day in the mirror, but maybe I have grown. 

Yet, inevitably, there are patterns that I still struggle to break… Patterns revolving around my desire to be seen. You might think this is normal, somehow. Don’t we all want to be seen? and to be known? for to be known is to be loved… and to be loved is to be known. Well, everything is normal to a certain extent. Where it becomes a mental “disorder,” as they say, is when that thing you do becomes excessive to the point where whatever pattern you’re stuck in impedes with your daily activities of living. So the goal now, as it always has been, is to break it.

It took two years to pinpoint just exactly the root of all this. Two unbelievably long years to realize that it’s okay to be imperfect because imperfection does not mean you’re a “bad” human being… it just means you’re human, the kind of human that’s sensitized to things that maybe other humans are not sensitized to.

And at times, this human feelings alone… so alone. So frustrated in the perception that no one understands. But the fact of the matter is, things do get better… they will continue to get better, so Jen, you just gotta hang on. Maybe in a year or two..or five.. .or even ten, you will find exactly just what you’re looking for.

“…and I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, pretending that the echoes belong to someone… to someone that I used to know.. and we become silhouettes when our bodies finally go.”